Golden Elephant Retriever

LaMerk Science Group
Genetic Transmogrification Division
Internal Compliance Notice – Immediate Effect

It has come to the attention of Executive Oversight that unauthorized release of failed genetic assets has occurred in connection with the Government Underwater Retrieval Program (GURP). This practice is hereby terminated.

Under no circumstances are cancelled or non-viable organisms to be released into civilian, coastal, or maritime environments—regardless of temperament, perceived friendliness, or morale-boosting qualities.

Case in point: Project GER-9 “Golden Elephant Retriever.”
Although operationally capable of locating submerged explosives, the 800–1000 lb retriever-seal hybrids were deemed unsuitable due to excessive friendliness, compulsive foot sitting behavior (15 employees with double leg fractures, two fatalities), and an inability to release retrieved payloads once “good boy” bonding occurred. Resulting incidents included crushed personnel, compromised missions, and at least one tugboat being repurposed as a chew toy near the Boston Harbor Islands.

Let this serve as formal notice:
Failed experiments are to be contained, archived, or rendered non-deployable in accordance with Closure Directive 7-A—not released, adopted, or “set free to see what happens.”

Noncompliance will result in disciplinary action, budget reallocation, and mandatory ethics retraining.

— LaMerk Science Group
“Because consequences are not an acceptable learning method.”

Full Color obj included!